bad medicine

Bad Medicine

A Little Friendly Advice

From the corner of Hollywood and Highland, we bring you advice straight from the lips of rock star Sebastian Forth and male model Flovio North – the two people you’ve always wanted to ask, but haven’t gotten the chance. They’re no better than you… They just know better than you.

Dear Forth and North,

I’m a 21-year-old Los Angeles native who recently underwent breast augmentation surgery to be more attractive to my boyfriend. He’s happy about the results, but there’s a problem. Now my breasts are so large I have extreme back pain and can barely keep our dates. I want to please my boyfriend, and I love the new twins, but my plan seems to have backfired. What should I do?
-Baby Got Back Problems

North: Dear Baby, Congratulations! You’ve just started yourself on the ultimate path to success. As anyone well knows, this path is often lined with sacrifice. The pain is only temporary; your back will adjust and strengthen over time. Personally, I’d recommend lots of yoga training. Not only will you burn calories while strengthening your back, but the added flexibility will make you a sexual tyrannosaurus for that boyfriend you want to please so much. If your back’s truly messed up, you can just get surgery to fix it! That new rack of yours is something that’ll be hot for years to come. Basically, no pain, no gain. If you aren’t willing to hurt for those jugs, you don’t deserve them.

Forth: First of all, this isn’t about the headlights is it? No, this is about the whole car. Look, Baby, I know what you’re trying to tell me. You just bought yourself two tickets to the party train for the next decade and you don’t want to see your money go to waste. I really love what you’re trying to do with the whole “make my boyfriend happy” bit, but let’s shoot from the hip here: You didn’t really get those tits for your boyfriend did you? You got a boyfriend to have a respectable reason to get those tits. I only see one thing to do here, Baby. Bump the bra size up another few notches and party extra hard.

Dear Forth and North,

So, I want to be an actress but I have one small problem. I can’t seem to get any parts! It’s like, I go to the auditions, I totally read my lines really well, and then I don’t hear back. My agent’s avoiding my calls, and my boyfriend says this whole acting goal seems really, like, not realistic. What do you think?
-Wanting Stardom

North: Alright. Listen up. I’m about to let you in on a little industry secret: Trying never got anyone anywhere. What you need to do is stop worrying about your lines, and start finding out what the hell’s wrong with you. When you wake up in the morning, you hit that mirror, and you hit that mirror hard. What are you wearing to these auditions? Could you lose some weight? How’s your skin? Teeth? Nails? Sometimes, people are just plain boring. It’s not necessarily your fault if you’re no fun to look at or talk to. Maybe adopt a foreign accent or something. The point is, once you put enough time and money into making yourself perfect, you shouldn’t have to try. You’ll naturally be in the right place at the right time, and be the right person for the job.

Forth: Oh, sweetie. I know what you’re going through. I bet that back in that small town you came from, your family and friends would tell you things like, “Reach for the stars!” and, “You’re going to be famous!” The girl that would someday make it big under the bright lights of Hollywood is now wondering why nobody sees her true talent. Wake up babe, it’s not about talent. It’s about what you’re willing to do to get the part. And I don’t mean acting, although you might have to…some of these directors are pretty ugly. That’ll be good practice for you, anyhow. It’s all about low expectations. When I’m in the bar, on the prowl, it’s a numbers game. I always have my eye on the beautiful blonde in the strapless dress sipping her martini, but at the end of the night, is she really any different from the woman with the cackle and the lazy eye that hangs out by the bathroom? No. There’s a part out there for you, girl, and it’s waiting in a sleazy dive bar with a dirty highball glass. The only question is, will you take it home?

This column is for entertainment purposes only. The views expressed by these dudes are not particularly shared by anyone else.

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